I saw this picture on Instagram and I just stared at it and reflected on it for a good 5 minutes. I want to be that person that just has it together and has people wondering how the heck I am human, almost a superhero. 

 

But I realized something different…

 

I cannot do anything by my own strength.. Last year people would ask me how I kept it together and I would do the typical thing.. say the right things..like say it is in Gods hands and that I chose to remain positive. No one knew how unhappy I was. No one knew how helpless and angry at God I was. I resented God. I resented myself…I resented God for allowing certain situations to happen. I resented myself for doing something that would make God allow certain things to occur to me. I resented God for punishing me and for my not knowing what I did to anger God. I was so sad, so lonely. I kept it all inside, told no one for the longest time. 

 

But I realized something different…

 
I cannot do anything by my own strength..I need Jesus. I needed a God that saves, heals, delivers, saves. I needed God. I need God. Only he can change me. Only he can save me. Only he can heal my heart, heal my hurt. Only he can heal my boyfriend’s stage 3 brain tumor that is too close to the stem for doctors to touch. Only he can heal Jerry’s hurt heart. Only Jesus can give an unexplainable peace that surpases all understanding. Only Jesus can give a Joy that still allows you to get through your day, week, month, year, life. I got that. it wasn’t easy…
 
It was when I did something different…
 
I grew tired of my prayers to God being confessions of how sad I was. I decided to do something about it. I decided that I was wrong. I need Jesus. I told myself “God is good.” over and over and over again until I began believe it. I forced myself to worship God through my resentment, through my pain. I gave my hurt to God. I asked for forgiveness. I gave him all of me. In exchange I asked God to show himself in my life. I asked him to reveal himself. I told God that I needed him. I needed to see his face. In exchange God showed up and was everything I need. God is so good. He’s so good. He surpasses all understanding. If you give him all of you, and you ask him to show himself, he will. All you need to do is ask and you shall receive. (Matthew 7:7) Be bold enough to serve a bold God. 
 
Today I received a call at church right when the sermon started from my boyfriend. I answered because I know he knows I am at church, I assumed the call would be important. He told me that he would not be able to answer me on the phone as frequently because he is going to Seattle. I took this as an emergency visit to Seattle because his head has been hurting lately and recently he recently found out that the tumor in his head has grown. When I hung up I called my dad and asked for prayer and just stayed in the bathroom trying to compose myself and just spoke to God. When I finished it was already closing time. I went to the altar at the end and asked a two lovely women to pray over my situation. I was so uplifted and have never believed that God can heal like he does to that extent. I just feel a restoration and a trust in God. I know he is in control and he is working. I just cannot see it at the moment, but I feel the grace of God, and the goodness, everywhere I go. God is so good. 
 
 Realize something different…
 
Today I encourage you to ponder on where you are in life.  You are not perfect. You have longings. You have emptiness. It is not your fault. These longings can only be satisfied by God. If you disagree I would just like to sit and have a one way conversation and just listen to what removes all of those issues. I have tried everything. Nothing worked. That is why I tell people that Jesus saved me from myself.
 
Today is a hard day. I am sad. I wish my boyfriend did not have stage 3 brain cancer. I wish I could remove all the hurt he is feeling, physically and emotionally. I wish his family did not have to deal with this. I wish I did not hurt. ..But I know that Matthew 11:28 says “Come to me, all you who are troubled and weighted down with care, and I will give you rest.” Today I chose to rest in the love of Jesus. The one gave his life for me, so I can live, and be saved by grace.
 
Love always, 
 
Yanira Vargas
 

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