Deets.

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I have had an okay few days. I can’t complain, God is good. I refuse to victimize myself and sulk. Someone always has it worse. Jesus still loves me, I have a family, friends, and a boyfriend that love me so much.

This week I received notifications on Jerry from his mom and dad. He’s not doing so well. I knew things weren’t going very well when Jerald told me that the tumor has spread down to his back through liquids. This is frustrating since it is in fact, a brain tumor. His mom told me that his ability to swallow medication and eat has diminished. The doctors don’t give him long. His mom said that even one doctor gave him two weeks. His dad sent electronic hugs and has immensely made me feel better. This weekend my parents visited Jerry and called me while they were there. Dad said that Jerald would probably not be able to talk on the phone. Mom said that I should seriously consider taking a few days, if I can, to go home and just be there for Jerry. I emailed my instructors to see if that is available. I am still taking time off, but if the professors do not approve I will be back by Thursday and Friday. So far, my Food Science, and Economics professors were cool and gave me the week off and ability to make up class points. I got my theatre group to approve. I just need AMDT 420, AMDT 212 (same professor), and Theatre.

I was speaking to my campus pastor, Pastor Joe, and giving a follow up on what we prayed for with Pastor Suzanne. God is so good. He answered what we prayed about. I am so blessed to have people interceding and taking time off of their prayer to pray for me. People from all over praying. I am so blessed and I cannot complain.

Jerald Update: He’s not in as much pain as he was, thanks to prayers. He is on a high dosage of medication. Please pray for healing over his body in this difficult time. Thank you so much for your thoughts and encouragement.

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Let’s talk about depression.

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Today was one of those days where I just decided that I was not going to be depressed. I learned that there is a significant difference between being able to meditate completely on the fact that you are unhappy, and letting unhappiness consume you. As a person that can testify, I gotta get passed this. I must be strong, for Jerry, for his family, and for myself.

 

I made two lists of things I will allow myself to do:

I will…

-Remain positive (speak life and light into darkness)

-Trust that Jesus loves us so much

-Remember to pray over Jerry’s family every time I think of them (I tend to forget, since they stay in my thoughts)

-Push past the fact that my boyfriend and I are not like regular couples

-Ordain my steps…(Trust that my steps are ordered and follow Gods will, Psalm 37:23)

-Cry… A LOT (I don’t like crying when it comes to my self… it’s not that I don’t feel: most of my crying is empathetic..I want a heart that feels for people..it’s not that I am not afraid to be vulnerable..I just don’t see a need to cry over myself most of the time, I learned that it doesn’t matter what I think, sometimes crying is needed. In quiet times with Jesus, this is where I am within his peace and comfortable enough to be completely raw and broken waiting for repair)

 

I will NOT…

-Question God (even though I don’t consider myself half as strong of a person to be dealing with the issue I am dealing with, I must trust that God formed me in my mothers womb, knew me, and created a plan for me. Psalm 139:13)

-Emotional eat (because comfort foods turn to not feeling comfortable in your clothes, 50 lbs. later..)

-Give up or give in (I was not created to be defeated and I am more than a conqueror in Jesus Christ. Romans 8:37)

-Do pitty parties. (beating myself up will only make it worse)

 

Special message: If you struggle with depression, as I have in the past, you are not alone. It doesn’t matter what you are going through. You could be depressed because you have had 1-100 deaths or sicknesses in your family, you could even be depressed and not even know why. Just know one thing, you should stop beating yourself up even more and making your situation worse by how disappointed in yourself you are. Know that everyone has gone through pain. It does not matter how rich or poor, socially attractive or unattractive, popular or shy, spontaneous or uncanny. Every one has experienced sadness. You must not let sadness consume you. Statistics say many things. I was so surprised by the large quantities of people that are depressed and actually use medication for it. My heart aches. Some of us are not as strong as others, and that is okay. If we are not as strong at handling situations, it is still okay, because Jesus loves us just as much. God created us all differently, and it is okay if you see other people doing better and being happier. If you feel weaker, just remember that the same God that created them created you, and fell in love with you just the same. We are privileged, to have a God that loves us so much, and gives when we ask. It is okay if you cannot go through a certain situation. This is where you ask God to give you a supernatural strength only he can give, that gets you through. If you feel like you are losing the power of happiness just remember that you don’t need to fight battles alone, the battle is not yours alone, but Gods. (2 Chronicles 20:15). My best friend Stephanie said it best when she posted an Instragram photo that says: “You were never created to live depressed, defeated, guilty, condemned, ashamed, or unworthy. You were created to be victorious.”

 

Jerald’s update: I don’t know much. He’s such a strong fighter. I can’t think of anyone stronger. I spoke to my friend Angelica today about this situation. She said that, truly, things like these happen to good people. Jerry is the kindest and most thoughtful person I’ve ever met. This is not said just because he is my boyfriend. I’ve known him all my life. His thoughtfulness and empathetic ability has always been there. He is truly a gift from God. I know that God created Jerry as an overcomer, I have never known anyone so strong, and even when I question whether I am strong enough to deal with this situation, I know he is more than a conqueror in Jesus. Nothing is known yet, all is in God’s hands. Please pray over his family as they have paused everything they are doing to focus on his health (school, work). They need God given strength, peace, and joy in the midst of this very dark situation. Thank you for your prayers.

I’m home

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I’ve been home for the week and it’s been good to just turn my brain off. These past few days have been pretty tough. As write, I contemplate on where I am at. I arrived home last Friday. Saturday, my niece came over and we had a good bonding session. Sunday I went to visit Jerald at the hospital he is staying at. His cousin was so cool and asked if I wanted to tag along with the family. Seeing him was so great. It took him a good five seconds to recognize me, but when he did, he wanted me to stay holding his hand. I missed him so much. He was connected to so many wires. He looked like he had lost a few pounds. He was going in and out and was in so much pain. Still, seeing him and being there was what I needed. We drove back home the same day. Monday I just relaxed and went out to dinner to catch up on life with one of my best friends, Lupita. Tuesday I went over to my brother’s place to hang out with him and my niece. Wednesday I went back to Seattle to visit Jerry. It was a bit harder this time around. Jerald was in so much pain. He did not recognize me till after a while. It was really hard to see him in so much pain. I felt like when I finally did have him, I had to leave.

We spoke for a bit. He told me that he is in so much pain. It is so hard to watch him be in pain, much harder hearing him state the fact that he is in pain. He told me that the tumor has spread within his spinal fluids all the way down his back. After that, there isn’t much more, he said. All I could say was, Jesus has the final say. I didn’t want to leave, he asked me to stay. I just wanted to stay there.

Lately I have been struggling within myself. My prayer has always been for the Lord to have his way, and in my heart it has always been for him to let his will be done. I know God is a good God, and that we must not question his works, for they are marvelous, as his ways. I just feel like spiritually, I am being pushed, to not only have faith, but have hope. Is God not a God of healing? I am so disappointed in myself, for not praying as much for healing. I know that God is a God of healing. Why have I not prayed more for healing? I must trust that God is who he says he is.

So here I am, grasping onto every inch of hope. Knowing that God looks at my heart, and knowing that he is a good God.

Psalms 30:2

1 I will exalt you, Lord,

    for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
2 Lord my God, I called to you for help,
and you healed me.
3 You, Lord, brought me up from the realm of the dead;
you spared me from going down to the pit.

4 Sing the praises of the Lord, you his faithful people;
praise his holy name.
5 For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.

6 When I felt secure, I said,
“I will never be shaken.”
7 Lord, when you favored me,
you made my royal mountain[c] stand firm;
but when you hid your face,
I was dismayed.

8 To you, Lord, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:
9 “What is gained if I am silenced,
if I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
10 Hear, Lord, and be merciful to me;
Lord, be my help.”

11 You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
12 that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.
Lord my God, I will praise you forever.

Jerald Update: He might go home next week if he continues improving and if his pain diminishes. Please pray for healing over his body, and for the physical pain to go away. He is such a strong fighter, and by the grace of God, he is alive and well. Thank you for your prayers.

Moments like these

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I really miss my boyfriend. I can’t stand the pain he’s in. I miss him so much. I just wish I could talk to him about my day, ask him about his, sit there and listen to him talk about things that he loves. He’s the best friend I’ve ever had. Moments like these are so difficult, where I am overwhelmed with wonder and hurt. I don’t like being so far away from him. I don’t like not knowing. I don’t like his suffering. Oh how I feel guilty, selfish, for studying at a university that is so far away.. I want to be physically there for him as he focuses on getting better. Moments like these, where I just break… I realize the brutal reality of my situation. Listening to ‘Late Have I Loved You’ by Gungor on my Spotify is not helping me feel better.  His dad told me that Jerry probably did not want to upset me before tests. I’d rather know than just be completely disconnected. My heart feels so heavy that it hurts.

Although I am overwhelmed, I must trust in Jesus. He’s so good, and although I cannot see it, he’s working. Romans 8:28: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Hebrews 13:5: “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (NKJV). . Philippians 4:6: “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done”

Jerald Update: The doctors don’t know much. They don’t know when he’ll be home anymore. I’m thankful for his cousin Alejandra, for keeping me updated and helping me get through. Please pray for Jerry, for physical strength. Please pray for comfort to my soul in this extremely difficult time.

Praise is who I am: My reflections during my quiet time.

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Praise is who I am. Praise is an act of worship to whatever it is that you serve. You can serve yourself and serve what your desires are. I want to serve God with all of me. I want to fill all of the plans and all of the desires that God has for me. You praise God with thanksgiving through your actions. Your actions of worship can be serving others just how Jesus served, or just worshiping at all times. I want to have a heart of worship. You receive a heart of worship when you decide that that you want to be an act of worship. I want my life to be an act of thanksgiving and a reflection of my gratitude. This means that in every situation, as of now I vow to myself, that I will praise God through the good and the bad, through the happy or sad. I owe it all to Jesus. I owe my life to him. He gave it all for me, he loved me through my brokeness and through my uncertainty. He loved me when I wanted nothing to do with him. He came to my rescue. I want to live for him, because he died for me.

 

“Praise is what I do
When I want to be close to You, 
I lift my hands in praise.
Praise is who I am, 
I will praise Him while I can.
I’ll bless Him at all times.

I vow to praise You
Through the good and the bad.
I’ll praise You, 
Whether happy or sad.
I’ll praise You 
In all that I go through
Because Praise Is what I do
Cause I owe it all to you

Praise is what I do
When I want to be close to You, 
I lift my hands in praise.
Praise is who I am, 
I will praise Him while I can.
I’ll bless Him at all times.

And I vow to praise You
Through the good and the bad.
I’ll praise You, 
Whether happy or sad.
I’ll praise You 
In all that I go through
Because Praise Is what I do
Cause I owe it all to you

Praise is what I do, 
Even when I am going through, 
I’ve learned to worship You.
Though my circumstance doesn’t even stand a chance, 
My praise out weighs the bad.

And I vow to praise You
Through the good and the bad.
I’ll praise You, 
Whether happy or sad.
I’ll praise You 
In all that I go through
Because Praise Is what I do
Cause I owe it all to you

 

Jerald update: Don’t know much, but thanks to his cousin Ally, I know that the doctors are trying to control his pain, and that he’s ready to be home. He’s had more family and friends visit. 

Prayers for my Future Husband; I love you: you’ll get through this.

I pray that tomorrow you wake up and own the day.

I pray that If there is anything that hurts you, that it leaves and you and you learn something new.

I pray that you rise above everything that is an obstacle.

I pray that you love resiliently.

I pray that you continue making your parents proud.

I pray that you live life to the fullest.

I pray that you become the man you want your son to be, and a man you’d be okay with your daughter marrying.

I pray that you receive an outstanding amount of patience for dealing with your surroundings. (including me)

I pray that you become the man of God you are destined to become.

Jerry update : Jerald has been feeling pretty sick lately. His dad currently holds his phone and it is off. Don’t really know much, but he’ll be home sometime this week. Praying for healing in the name of Jesus. Blessed to have such a pair of wonderful campus youth pastors that prayed over me, and senior pastors from back at home keeping track of Jerald’s progress. Please keep Jerry in your prayers.

Annnnd I’m done!

Prayer….

Good news: I’ve officially checked out for the week: of my worry and stress. I just finished taking the last of my four midterms for this week. I did move out, and all but a few items that I have are in my new place.

Bad news: Jerald’s tumor has increased and gone over to his spine, all while being inoperable. He called me yesterday with the news. It was devastating… We spoke for a bit, we talked later that night, he’s so strong. When I first heard the news, after hanging up of course, I did a good cry. One good cry, then I asked my friends to pray with me. It was great. Prayer is so powerful. It’s so crazy how we forget to how powerful prayer is when we disregard prayer by getting too lazy and too comfortable with conformity. Imagine how much greater your life would be if you just took just five more minutes of prayer out of your day everyday.

Besides the fact that I have a huge zit on my cheek..my goal is to give my worries to the Lord, and not portray any stress.

God is still good, God is still God.

Jerald Update/Post Surgery update: He will be in Seattle till Monday. He has a significant amount of pain gone. …still has the occasional trembling, but takes medicine and it has diminished. Please keep Jerry and his family in your prayers. Please pray for his happiness and well being. Also, if you could, please pray for me, that God gives me the strength. Oh! Please pray for my wonderful support system, pray that my friends and family be oh so blessed as they are such an abundant blessing to my soul.

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A Heart For Missions

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Lately my cry has been for a heart like Jesus; a heart for everyone. Sometimes we get too involved with ourselves and our daily schedule and routine, we just forget about others. Since I have been born and raised in church It is so weird to me that I have not gone on a missions trip.

My heart for missions was basically instilled by the parentals. My parents have such a heart for missions and always remind me about local missions being just as important as those that are more far away. They always serve those around them and always tell me that they serve because someone served them. They tell me that they spread the good news because someone spread the good news to them. My dad has such a heart that in a few cases has let a few homeless families stay at our home. My ma always tells me she wants to send me as a missionary to Africa and jokes about me getting eaten by lions.

Sometimes I wonder why I don’t get as involved as my parents. This is something that I need to work on. I have always felt like I don’t give enough as my parents do. They just serve endlessly and never get tired. Instead of beating myself up about it I decided to do work. My freshman year I decided I wanted to go on a missions trip with my campus church, but I was horrid at saving money. Sophomore year I felt like I couldn’t travel because of Jerald’s situation. After praying for a while I feel like it’s my time to go. Haiti was a hot thing at my church for missions, and even though I would had loved to go with my campus youth, I felt like I was being called more to Ecuador (a medical missions trip). I met up with my campus church missions pastor CJ and just spoke about my heart for missions. He shared his heart and the church’s heart. At the moment I’m praying and setting a goal for Ecuador 2015. I am so excited with what Gods doing in me and with where he is taking me. I must always remember Serving others is serving God.

[Acts 13:47]”For so the Lord has commanded us, saying, “I have made you a light for the Gentiles, that you may bring salvation to the ends of the earth.””

Jerald Update: His surgery went well yesterday. I had two missed calls from his mom, called back and spoke to him. It just melted my heart how  after his surgery he was so tired and still called me. I’m so happy. He’ll be in Seattle recovering, and home by the time I’ll be home for spring break.

Trust: Even When I Cannot see

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I failed today. I won’t go into detail but I let my flesh win. I need to learn to trust with not a single inch of doubt, working on it. I’m extremely overwhelmed with this week and have four tests this week. I move out this week in two days. Jerald had surgery for this pain. The surgery went well. He is still in immense pain. Sometimes I wish that I was in the situation he was, that way I could remove every single amount of pain that he has to deal with, then I remember that I must not question God and all of his will and works. Sometimes I just cannot stand it. Sometimes that is all I think about.

I started this day out praying over today with my friends Namita and Ariel. Before my class I saw my friend Liliana at the bus stop. We prayed over Jerry’s surgery. I know many bible studys and care groups in my campus church have prayed over me and Jerald. I am so fortunate to have such caring and thoughtful friends that are truly a gift from above.

My prayer:

Thank you for keeping Jerald safe and being there in the surgery room. Please be there for him in this difficult time. Prepare him and show him what your plan is. Work in him. Pour out an unexplainable amount of love wherever he his. Remove his loneliness and discouragement. Jesus, do not let me get discouraged. Teach me how to pray. Show me real love. Show me how to love and trust with all of me, selflessly, shamelessly…Forgive me. Never leave me. Give me grace. Give me kindess. Mend my heart. Help me walk by faith.

Jerry Update: Jerry will stay in Seattle for a couple more days to heal. He is still a bit sore from the surgery, but fully there. Please keep him in your prayers.

Should Christians Drink Alcohol? Living right and In ministry

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Don’t these glasses look absolutely beautiful?

So here I am with my friend Geneva in her dorm room discussing an article that our friend posted on Facebook.
here’s the link: http://laurelmariekells.wordpress.com/2014/02/27/response-should-christians-drink-alcohol/

We were speaking about the impact the article had on us. After reading the article I felt like maybe I have been thinking differently. Since then I have been strongly praying and asking God to change me and my mindset if possible, as I was raised around no alcohol. I was ecstatic when I found out that the article had the same impact on Geneva. Here is my issue. Since reading the article I feel the same. After speaking over the article and how we sought God out in result of it, we had one conclusion: Conviction. At the end of the day, you are accountable for yourself and your doings. We just feel a significant conviction.

I do not wish to attack the article. You can read it yourself, form an inference, in a sense. I will say that the article has no biblical references, just opinion, which leaves me distraught. This is just her opinion, which is self centered and a lot of stuff in the article is solely her opinion. (4 stanza statements of I believe..) In fact, a lot of stuff in the article are actually very non-bibical.

Here are a few things from the blog that I just wanted to clear out.

-there’s no such thing as a powerful person, but someone powerful in God 

-you are called to separate yourself from sin, and that is that.

Where I stand (IN THE WORD):

Leviticus 10:9 states: “You and your sons are not to drink wine or other fermented drink whenever you go into the tent of meeting, or you will die. This is a lasting ordinance for the generations to come..” Call this verse ancient and say that a lot of stuff in Leviticus is too absurd to use in context. So why do we even keep Leviticus in the bible then? Just to whip it out for inspirational use? We might as well remove it.. I know that Leviticus is in the bible for a reason. It’s God’s unshaken word. I know that God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  Leviticus 10:8:-11: “Then the Lord said to Aaron, 9 “You and your sons are not to drink wine or other fermented drink whenever you go into the tent of meeting, or you will die. This is a lasting ordinance for the generations to come, 10 so that you can distinguish between the holy and the common, between the unclean and the clean, 11 and so you can teach the Israelites all the decrees the Lord has given them through Moses.” ..We are descendants. God calls us to be set apart, and by be apart I mean from those who don’t know him.

If you believe that alcohol is not wrong, then I respect you. All we can do is pray for conviction and be led by the spirit. As far as Alcohol (as it is not my place anyway, but If you were interested): I will never condemn, but I will never condone.  

Jerry update: Please pray for Jerry. He has been basically bedridden from the pain. I’m praying for healing.