Today was one of those days where I just decided that I was not going to be depressed. I learned that there is a significant difference between being able to meditate completely on the fact that you are unhappy, and letting unhappiness consume you. As a person that can testify, I gotta get passed this. I must be strong, for Jerry, for his family, and for myself.
I made two lists of things I will allow myself to do:
-Remain positive (speak life and light into darkness)
-Trust that Jesus loves us so much
-Remember to pray over Jerry’s family every time I think of them (I tend to forget, since they stay in my thoughts)
-Push past the fact that my boyfriend and I are not like regular couples
-Ordain my steps…(Trust that my steps are ordered and follow Gods will, Psalm 37:23)
-Cry… A LOT (I don’t like crying when it comes to my self… it’s not that I don’t feel: most of my crying is empathetic..I want a heart that feels for people..it’s not that I am not afraid to be vulnerable..I just don’t see a need to cry over myself most of the time, I learned that it doesn’t matter what I think, sometimes crying is needed. In quiet times with Jesus, this is where I am within his peace and comfortable enough to be completely raw and broken waiting for repair)
I will NOT…
-Question God (even though I don’t consider myself half as strong of a person to be dealing with the issue I am dealing with, I must trust that God formed me in my mothers womb, knew me, and created a plan for me. Psalm 139:13)
-Emotional eat (because comfort foods turn to not feeling comfortable in your clothes, 50 lbs. later..)
-Give up or give in (I was not created to be defeated and I am more than a conqueror in Jesus Christ. Romans 8:37)
-Do pitty parties. (beating myself up will only make it worse)
Special message: If you struggle with depression, as I have in the past, you are not alone. It doesn’t matter what you are going through. You could be depressed because you have had 1-100 deaths or sicknesses in your family, you could even be depressed and not even know why. Just know one thing, you should stop beating yourself up even more and making your situation worse by how disappointed in yourself you are. Know that everyone has gone through pain. It does not matter how rich or poor, socially attractive or unattractive, popular or shy, spontaneous or uncanny. Every one has experienced sadness. You must not let sadness consume you. Statistics say many things. I was so surprised by the large quantities of people that are depressed and actually use medication for it. My heart aches. Some of us are not as strong as others, and that is okay. If we are not as strong at handling situations, it is still okay, because Jesus loves us just as much. God created us all differently, and it is okay if you see other people doing better and being happier. If you feel weaker, just remember that the same God that created them created you, and fell in love with you just the same. We are privileged, to have a God that loves us so much, and gives when we ask. It is okay if you cannot go through a certain situation. This is where you ask God to give you a supernatural strength only he can give, that gets you through. If you feel like you are losing the power of happiness just remember that you don’t need to fight battles alone, the battle is not yours alone, but Gods. (2 Chronicles 20:15). My best friend Stephanie said it best when she posted an Instragram photo that says: “You were never created to live depressed, defeated, guilty, condemned, ashamed, or unworthy. You were created to be victorious.”
Jerald’s update: I don’t know much. He’s such a strong fighter. I can’t think of anyone stronger. I spoke to my friend Angelica today about this situation. She said that, truly, things like these happen to good people. Jerry is the kindest and most thoughtful person I’ve ever met. This is not said just because he is my boyfriend. I’ve known him all my life. His thoughtfulness and empathetic ability has always been there. He is truly a gift from God. I know that God created Jerry as an overcomer, I have never known anyone so strong, and even when I question whether I am strong enough to deal with this situation, I know he is more than a conqueror in Jesus. Nothing is known yet, all is in God’s hands. Please pray over his family as they have paused everything they are doing to focus on his health (school, work). They need God given strength, peace, and joy in the midst of this very dark situation. Thank you for your prayers.