A new beginning (Warning:longer post)

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It is almost 3 months later and there are no words to really explain just how much Jerry is missed. We did the whole long distance relationship thing so at around this time of not seeing each other, one of us would just drop everything they are doing because both of us were desperate at this point, to see each other.

I am beyond proud of his family. They are doing okay, and that’s okay. They will never know just how much they inspire me. They each are so strong in their own way and just motivate me to be happy. I look forward to visiting his grave soon with them. His grave has yet to be labeled but I look forward to seeing whatever they choose. I’m sure he’d love it. I’m gonna need their strength this month. The month of July will be extremely difficult for me because our first date was on the 4th, our second date where I finally caved after months of talking and told him I liked him was on my 18th Birthday on the 23rd, and our anniversary was the 29th. (2011)

After his death, I returned to the university I attend in high hopes of going back strong and finishing, that’s what Jerald and my family and his would have wanted so I went back. I returned to Washington State University around dead week and at this point, there was no way I could recover due to me already being a third year and declared major. I needed higher grades to get credit. After meeting with my department Advisor, I decided to withdraw from the semester. Grief hit hard that week. Everything took three times the strength to do, wash my hair, eat, get out of bed, go to class. My advisor urged me to the counseling services for the third time. Even though counseling isn’t for me, it helped. The fact that I withdrew the last week of curriculum was so disappointing to me. This is something I still struggle with to this day. When I told my mom, she said that it was okay. Everyone thinks I’m crazy for being disappointed, but I feel like I let Jerry, his family, my family down.

I am back at home, it’s horrible. Everything reminds me of Jerry. Initially, I was going to just stay in Pullman, or get an internship and leave for a change of scenery. Pullman reminds me of Jerry also..It wasn’t until I was on the phone with my sister. I was telling her that I wasn’t going back and instead of saying what everyone else said she was blunt and said that if Jerry’s family went back to their lives and faced everything, than I can too. I decided that life goes on. I was not going to run away from home or my family and friends, and the place where I grew up and fell in love. I decided that I wanted to face my fears. Pain is pain. I wanted to grow. I decided to go back to the old job we worked at together when we first started dating for closure. I am back at the packing shed , it’s a different plant but connected to the old plant we worked in. Once we had to work in that very area and had l had lunch at our old place. I went outside and sat on the grass we sat on, and under the tree we’d sit in. I showed Sarah where we sat and ate and laughed. I tried not to tear up. I’m proud of myself for keeping it cool. Being back is difficult. I tear up at work very often and hope no one sees. My supervisor gave me a side hug and asked how I’m doing. I’m assuming it was due to Jerald because she worked with him.

I am so scared. I miss him. I am so scared that I’m forgetting his scent, the feel of his hands wrapped around mine. I still remember how it made me feel, but I don’t remember how he smells. Three years ago I was so happy and hopeful. Although I wish I could go back and warn myself, I wouldn’t, because I lived and I experienced, and that’s what life is about. I’m proud of myself. I can’t do certain things without crying. I can’t sing or listen to ‘To Make you Feel My Love’ by Adele, I can’t go back and open my old laptop that has all our stuff, there’s a lot.

Grief has a way with messing with your head. You have stages and every emotion you could think of. My brain is in the process of understanding, but my deceiving heart that is in so much pain copes by making my reality a dream as a way of coping. I still am in the process of acknowledging that my world, my boyfriend is gone and not coming back. I need to process that just like Jerry’s mom would tell him when she would smother him with love and call him a gift from God, he was… he was a gift from God. I’ve never met anyone or have heard of anyone like him. He changed my life. Jerry changed me. I was arrogant, prideful, and thought I had my whole life together and didn’t need anyone. He blindsided me and showed me how beautiful love is when two people love and respect each other through whatever. Even though he’s gone, I refuse to be bitter. I know God loves me. God gives and he takes away, my heart will still say blessed is name. God doesn’t hate me. He gave me such a wonderful person who loved me so much. There are times where I feel like I just have so much pain, and then I am comforted by what feels like wind. I feel such an overwhelming love, like God allows me to feel his love for me, and Jerry’s love for me.

I am not sure where I want to be or what I want out of life, but I know who I am. I know that I want happiness, love, and joy. As far as where I’ll go I’ll just take it one step at a time, and allow my steps to be ordered. The latter shall be greater. Jerry was a season in my life, the best season in my life. I have to trust that God has something better for me, because he wouldn’t take and not bless me with something better. I know that sounds like I’m implying that it means replacing Jerry, but that’s not it. I mean that I will grow from this season. People have asked me about moving on which is ridiculous, but to answer..I don’t see myself with anyone but Jerald, because that’s my boyfriend…but I am in the process of writing Jerry a goodbye book, and I acknowledge that people will say that Jerald would want me to be happy, which is true…but if stuff would have gotten a tad bit better, Jerald would have spoken to my parents this summer about asking for my hand in marriage. I have been talking to Jerry for almost four years now.. so it wouldn’t be a shocker to them. I would have been engaged this summer. I am really not picturing a future with anyone else. Most people think we only dated for only about two years, which is half the time. Maybe I’ll post our love story.

A song from Jerry’s favorite band when he was in 5th grade has been stuck in my head for the past month. I can finally listen to it and sing along without crying every time. He’s so much more happier now. He is in no pain. I am so happy that he’s finally happy.

Yanira Update: Please pray for me as I embark on this new journey and carry Jerry’s heart with me wherever I go. I rest in the comfort that I will see him again one day. I’m healthy, I’m alive, I’m loved, and this is only the beginning. Thank you so much for your prayers and covering over me.

6 thoughts on “A new beginning (Warning:longer post)

  1. My prayers are with you. Hebrews 12:2. Jesus knows and He will walk with you through this. Keep seeking Him. God’s blessings and guidance to you Yanira.

  2. mywalkwithjehovah

    You are such a strong young daughter of God. I absolutely love your love for God and Jerald. Although I do not know you, I can tell that you have that Godly beauty that many strive for. May God bless you at this time x

  3. Grief is a painful journey – some days it feels like 2 steps forward, 54 steps back, but you will make it. Whispering a prayer that the Almighty God who loves you so much will draw you close to Himself. He understands and is with you every step of the way.

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