Today I woke up, and that’s enough to be thankful for. I have so much to do and very little time, it seems..but it WILL get done, and it will get done excellently. Today I encourage you to have a wonderful day and enjoy every part of it.
It is almost 3 months later and there are no words to really explain just how much Jerry is missed. We did the whole long distance relationship thing so at around this time of not seeing each other, one of us would just drop everything they are doing because both of us were desperate at this point, to see each other.
I am beyond proud of his family. They are doing okay, and that’s okay. They will never know just how much they inspire me. They each are so strong in their own way and just motivate me to be happy. I look forward to visiting his grave soon with them. His grave has yet to be labeled but I look forward to seeing whatever they choose. I’m sure he’d love it. I’m gonna need their strength this month. The month of July will be extremely difficult for me because our first date was on the 4th, our second date where I finally caved after months of talking and told him I liked him was on my 18th Birthday on the 23rd, and our anniversary was the 29th. (2011)
After his death, I returned to the university I attend in high hopes of going back strong and finishing, that’s what Jerald and my family and his would have wanted so I went back. I returned to Washington State University around dead week and at this point, there was no way I could recover due to me already being a third year and declared major. I needed higher grades to get credit. After meeting with my department Advisor, I decided to withdraw from the semester. Grief hit hard that week. Everything took three times the strength to do, wash my hair, eat, get out of bed, go to class. My advisor urged me to the counseling services for the third time. Even though counseling isn’t for me, it helped. The fact that I withdrew the last week of curriculum was so disappointing to me. This is something I still struggle with to this day. When I told my mom, she said that it was okay. Everyone thinks I’m crazy for being disappointed, but I feel like I let Jerry, his family, my family down.
I am back at home, it’s horrible. Everything reminds me of Jerry. Initially, I was going to just stay in Pullman, or get an internship and leave for a change of scenery. Pullman reminds me of Jerry also..It wasn’t until I was on the phone with my sister. I was telling her that I wasn’t going back and instead of saying what everyone else said she was blunt and said that if Jerry’s family went back to their lives and faced everything, than I can too. I decided that life goes on. I was not going to run away from home or my family and friends, and the place where I grew up and fell in love. I decided that I wanted to face my fears. Pain is pain. I wanted to grow. I decided to go back to the old job we worked at together when we first started dating for closure. I am back at the packing shed , it’s a different plant but connected to the old plant we worked in. Once we had to work in that very area and had l had lunch at our old place. I went outside and sat on the grass we sat on, and under the tree we’d sit in. I showed Sarah where we sat and ate and laughed. I tried not to tear up. I’m proud of myself for keeping it cool. Being back is difficult. I tear up at work very often and hope no one sees. My supervisor gave me a side hug and asked how I’m doing. I’m assuming it was due to Jerald because she worked with him.
I am so scared. I miss him. I am so scared that I’m forgetting his scent, the feel of his hands wrapped around mine. I still remember how it made me feel, but I don’t remember how he smells. Three years ago I was so happy and hopeful. Although I wish I could go back and warn myself, I wouldn’t, because I lived and I experienced, and that’s what life is about. I’m proud of myself. I can’t do certain things without crying. I can’t sing or listen to ‘To Make you Feel My Love’ by Adele, I can’t go back and open my old laptop that has all our stuff, there’s a lot.
Grief has a way with messing with your head. You have stages and every emotion you could think of. My brain is in the process of understanding, but my deceiving heart that is in so much pain copes by making my reality a dream as a way of coping. I still am in the process of acknowledging that my world, my boyfriend is gone and not coming back. I need to process that just like Jerry’s mom would tell him when she would smother him with love and call him a gift from God, he was… he was a gift from God. I’ve never met anyone or have heard of anyone like him. He changed my life. Jerry changed me. I was arrogant, prideful, and thought I had my whole life together and didn’t need anyone. He blindsided me and showed me how beautiful love is when two people love and respect each other through whatever. Even though he’s gone, I refuse to be bitter. I know God loves me. God gives and he takes away, my heart will still say blessed is name. God doesn’t hate me. He gave me such a wonderful person who loved me so much. There are times where I feel like I just have so much pain, and then I am comforted by what feels like wind. I feel such an overwhelming love, like God allows me to feel his love for me, and Jerry’s love for me.
I am not sure where I want to be or what I want out of life, but I know who I am. I know that I want happiness, love, and joy. As far as where I’ll go I’ll just take it one step at a time, and allow my steps to be ordered. The latter shall be greater. Jerry was a season in my life, the best season in my life. I have to trust that God has something better for me, because he wouldn’t take and not bless me with something better. I know that sounds like I’m implying that it means replacing Jerry, but that’s not it. I mean that I will grow from this season. People have asked me about moving on which is ridiculous, but to answer..I don’t see myself with anyone but Jerald, because that’s my boyfriend…but I am in the process of writing Jerry a goodbye book, and I acknowledge that people will say that Jerald would want me to be happy, which is true…but if stuff would have gotten a tad bit better, Jerald would have spoken to my parents this summer about asking for my hand in marriage. I have been talking to Jerry for almost four years now.. so it wouldn’t be a shocker to them. I would have been engaged this summer. I am really not picturing a future with anyone else. Most people think we only dated for only about two years, which is half the time. Maybe I’ll post our love story.
A song from Jerry’s favorite band when he was in 5th grade has been stuck in my head for the past month. I can finally listen to it and sing along without crying every time. He’s so much more happier now. He is in no pain. I am so happy that he’s finally happy.
Yanira Update: Please pray for me as I embark on this new journey and carry Jerry’s heart with me wherever I go. I rest in the comfort that I will see him again one day. I’m healthy, I’m alive, I’m loved, and this is only the beginning. Thank you so much for your prayers and covering over me.
Last Thursday, April 3, 2014, at 4:10pm. Jerald passed away. There will be a memorial service on his behalf this Saturday April 12, 2014 at 11am. Viewing is Friday night 2-7pm.
I was fortunate enough to be there. So much going on in my head. This is all too surreal, and when I come out of it and face reality, it’s so difficult to deal with.
Jerald Update: He is no longer in pain and dancin’ with Jesus. Please pray over all those who mourn the loss of this wonderful person.
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”
I’ve been back home since Sunday. I’ll be here for the week. This week has been beyond difficult, but by grace, it’s do-able. Jerry’s situation is not good. He lacks so much rest and is now being regulated for that. For the moment, no visitors are being allowed on account of his need for rest. Yesterday hit hard. We heard really difficult news from the staff at the Hospital. Nothing is certain, the odds are a lot harder to deal with. Everyone is slowly coming to terms with our current situation. Jerald is such a fighter. I had a few good talks with him. The more painful ones were when he actually recognized me. He recognized me on Sunday night when I arrived. I said “Hi babe, it’s me, Yanira.” He said “I can hear you, I can’t see you. It’s really you? Maybe tomorrow I’ll see you.” He kept blowing kisses. Most of the time he doesn’t recognize me and says that my voice is to manly to be his girlfriends. It’s actually quite funny. Most of the time he doesn’t let me hold his hand because I’m not his girlfriend Yanira. Ha-ha. Jerald has caused me to wonder about the spiritual realm few times. He introduced me to his friend on one occasion. He told his friend that I am a third year at Washington State University, and other few facts about me. He asked his friend to take care of me. Although I could not see his friend, in the moment I just felt such a weight lifted from my shoulders, and such an unexplainable peace.
The outcome is so uncertain. . . lots of pain. . . My heart is so heavy for Jerald’s family. They are so, so strong. They manage to stay strong and not let Jerry see them cry. They have been a strong rock for me and have helped keep me and have embraced me as their own. Jerald would be so happy and is in such good hands. He is such an important asset to their family, and even though a lot is at stake, they never break, ever. They inspire me to keep being positive, and happy. I have been dating Jerry for about 2 years and 9 months. I have always just considered myself the girlfriend, because I was sure that as soon we’d get married, I would have a family, I was in no rush. Oddly enough, when I was being told news on Jerry, and I burst out in sadness, it was there where I was embraced by Jerald’s dad, Jerry, and welcomed into the family. It really sucks watching a family suffer over someone so special and distinct to them. I cannot stress how much prayer is needed for their hearts.
Story: I rode with his brother Willy and a couple other people back to Jerry’s house to go eat yesterday. I hadn’t been there since he was healthy. I told Willy that I thought that if I went to his house I would cry. I ate there, I went into Jerald’s room, and nothing. Then we were ready to go and walked out onto the parking lot and I saw that darn Volkswagen bug, where he taught me how to drive manual. Then came the tears.
Jerald update: His ability to drink has gotten a bit better. His sight has worsened, but his hearing is as good a ever. He’s just as sweet as he has always been, just a bit more sassy. 🙂 I ask for prayers over everyone who is hurting over Jerry’s situation. Please pray that God be our joy and our peace in the midst of this terrible storm. I just.. genuinely appreciate every single individual that has taken time from their busy lives just to love on us and give a prayer. The prayers have helped bless me and keep me. Thank you so much.
I have had an okay few days. I can’t complain, God is good. I refuse to victimize myself and sulk. Someone always has it worse. Jesus still loves me, I have a family, friends, and a boyfriend that love me so much.
This week I received notifications on Jerry from his mom and dad. He’s not doing so well. I knew things weren’t going very well when Jerald told me that the tumor has spread down to his back through liquids. This is frustrating since it is in fact, a brain tumor. His mom told me that his ability to swallow medication and eat has diminished. The doctors don’t give him long. His mom said that even one doctor gave him two weeks. His dad sent electronic hugs and has immensely made me feel better. This weekend my parents visited Jerry and called me while they were there. Dad said that Jerald would probably not be able to talk on the phone. Mom said that I should seriously consider taking a few days, if I can, to go home and just be there for Jerry. I emailed my instructors to see if that is available. I am still taking time off, but if the professors do not approve I will be back by Thursday and Friday. So far, my Food Science, and Economics professors were cool and gave me the week off and ability to make up class points. I got my theatre group to approve. I just need AMDT 420, AMDT 212 (same professor), and Theatre.
I was speaking to my campus pastor, Pastor Joe, and giving a follow up on what we prayed for with Pastor Suzanne. God is so good. He answered what we prayed about. I am so blessed to have people interceding and taking time off of their prayer to pray for me. People from all over praying. I am so blessed and I cannot complain.
Jerald Update: He’s not in as much pain as he was, thanks to prayers. He is on a high dosage of medication. Please pray for healing over his body in this difficult time. Thank you so much for your thoughts and encouragement.
Today was one of those days where I just decided that I was not going to be depressed. I learned that there is a significant difference between being able to meditate completely on the fact that you are unhappy, and letting unhappiness consume you. As a person that can testify, I gotta get passed this. I must be strong, for Jerry, for his family, and for myself.
I made two lists of things I will allow myself to do:
-Remain positive (speak life and light into darkness)
-Trust that Jesus loves us so much
-Remember to pray over Jerry’s family every time I think of them (I tend to forget, since they stay in my thoughts)
-Push past the fact that my boyfriend and I are not like regular couples
-Ordain my steps…(Trust that my steps are ordered and follow Gods will, Psalm 37:23)
-Cry… A LOT (I don’t like crying when it comes to my self… it’s not that I don’t feel: most of my crying is empathetic..I want a heart that feels for people..it’s not that I am not afraid to be vulnerable..I just don’t see a need to cry over myself most of the time, I learned that it doesn’t matter what I think, sometimes crying is needed. In quiet times with Jesus, this is where I am within his peace and comfortable enough to be completely raw and broken waiting for repair)
I will NOT…
-Question God (even though I don’t consider myself half as strong of a person to be dealing with the issue I am dealing with, I must trust that God formed me in my mothers womb, knew me, and created a plan for me. Psalm 139:13)
-Emotional eat (because comfort foods turn to not feeling comfortable in your clothes, 50 lbs. later..)
-Give up or give in (I was not created to be defeated and I am more than a conqueror in Jesus Christ. Romans 8:37)
-Do pitty parties. (beating myself up will only make it worse)
Special message: If you struggle with depression, as I have in the past, you are not alone. It doesn’t matter what you are going through. You could be depressed because you have had 1-100 deaths or sicknesses in your family, you could even be depressed and not even know why. Just know one thing, you should stop beating yourself up even more and making your situation worse by how disappointed in yourself you are. Know that everyone has gone through pain. It does not matter how rich or poor, socially attractive or unattractive, popular or shy, spontaneous or uncanny. Every one has experienced sadness. You must not let sadness consume you. Statistics say many things. I was so surprised by the large quantities of people that are depressed and actually use medication for it. My heart aches. Some of us are not as strong as others, and that is okay. If we are not as strong at handling situations, it is still okay, because Jesus loves us just as much. God created us all differently, and it is okay if you see other people doing better and being happier. If you feel weaker, just remember that the same God that created them created you, and fell in love with you just the same. We are privileged, to have a God that loves us so much, and gives when we ask. It is okay if you cannot go through a certain situation. This is where you ask God to give you a supernatural strength only he can give, that gets you through. If you feel like you are losing the power of happiness just remember that you don’t need to fight battles alone, the battle is not yours alone, but Gods. (2 Chronicles 20:15). My best friend Stephanie said it best when she posted an Instragram photo that says: “You were never created to live depressed, defeated, guilty, condemned, ashamed, or unworthy. You were created to be victorious.”
Jerald’s update: I don’t know much. He’s such a strong fighter. I can’t think of anyone stronger. I spoke to my friend Angelica today about this situation. She said that, truly, things like these happen to good people. Jerry is the kindest and most thoughtful person I’ve ever met. This is not said just because he is my boyfriend. I’ve known him all my life. His thoughtfulness and empathetic ability has always been there. He is truly a gift from God. I know that God created Jerry as an overcomer, I have never known anyone so strong, and even when I question whether I am strong enough to deal with this situation, I know he is more than a conqueror in Jesus. Nothing is known yet, all is in God’s hands. Please pray over his family as they have paused everything they are doing to focus on his health (school, work). They need God given strength, peace, and joy in the midst of this very dark situation. Thank you for your prayers.
I’ve been home for the week and it’s been good to just turn my brain off. These past few days have been pretty tough. As write, I contemplate on where I am at. I arrived home last Friday. Saturday, my niece came over and we had a good bonding session. Sunday I went to visit Jerald at the hospital he is staying at. His cousin was so cool and asked if I wanted to tag along with the family. Seeing him was so great. It took him a good five seconds to recognize me, but when he did, he wanted me to stay holding his hand. I missed him so much. He was connected to so many wires. He looked like he had lost a few pounds. He was going in and out and was in so much pain. Still, seeing him and being there was what I needed. We drove back home the same day. Monday I just relaxed and went out to dinner to catch up on life with one of my best friends, Lupita. Tuesday I went over to my brother’s place to hang out with him and my niece. Wednesday I went back to Seattle to visit Jerry. It was a bit harder this time around. Jerald was in so much pain. He did not recognize me till after a while. It was really hard to see him in so much pain. I felt like when I finally did have him, I had to leave.
We spoke for a bit. He told me that he is in so much pain. It is so hard to watch him be in pain, much harder hearing him state the fact that he is in pain. He told me that the tumor has spread within his spinal fluids all the way down his back. After that, there isn’t much more, he said. All I could say was, Jesus has the final say. I didn’t want to leave, he asked me to stay. I just wanted to stay there.
Lately I have been struggling within myself. My prayer has always been for the Lord to have his way, and in my heart it has always been for him to let his will be done. I know God is a good God, and that we must not question his works, for they are marvelous, as his ways. I just feel like spiritually, I am being pushed, to not only have faith, but have hope. Is God not a God of healing? I am so disappointed in myself, for not praying as much for healing. I know that God is a God of healing. Why have I not prayed more for healing? I must trust that God is who he says he is.
So here I am, grasping onto every inch of hope. Knowing that God looks at my heart, and knowing that he is a good God.
1 I will exalt you, Lord,
for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
2 Lord my God, I called to you for help,
and you healed me.
3 You, Lord, brought me up from the realm of the dead;
you spared me from going down to the pit.
4 Sing the praises of the Lord, you his faithful people;
praise his holy name.
5 For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.
6 When I felt secure, I said,
“I will never be shaken.”
7 Lord, when you favored me,
you made my royal mountain[c] stand firm;
but when you hid your face,
I was dismayed.
8 To you, Lord, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:
9 “What is gained if I am silenced,
if I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
10 Hear, Lord, and be merciful to me;
Lord, be my help.”
11 You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
12 that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.
Lord my God, I will praise you forever.
Jerald Update: He might go home next week if he continues improving and if his pain diminishes. Please pray for healing over his body, and for the physical pain to go away. He is such a strong fighter, and by the grace of God, he is alive and well. Thank you for your prayers.
I really miss my boyfriend. I can’t stand the pain he’s in. I miss him so much. I just wish I could talk to him about my day, ask him about his, sit there and listen to him talk about things that he loves. He’s the best friend I’ve ever had. Moments like these are so difficult, where I am overwhelmed with wonder and hurt. I don’t like being so far away from him. I don’t like not knowing. I don’t like his suffering. Oh how I feel guilty, selfish, for studying at a university that is so far away.. I want to be physically there for him as he focuses on getting better. Moments like these, where I just break… I realize the brutal reality of my situation. Listening to ‘Late Have I Loved You’ by Gungor on my Spotify is not helping me feel better. His dad told me that Jerry probably did not want to upset me before tests. I’d rather know than just be completely disconnected. My heart feels so heavy that it hurts.
Although I am overwhelmed, I must trust in Jesus. He’s so good, and although I cannot see it, he’s working. Romans 8:28: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Hebrews 13:5: “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (NKJV). . Philippians 4:6: “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done”
Jerald Update: The doctors don’t know much. They don’t know when he’ll be home anymore. I’m thankful for his cousin Alejandra, for keeping me updated and helping me get through. Please pray for Jerry, for physical strength. Please pray for comfort to my soul in this extremely difficult time.