I’ve been home for the week and it’s been good to just turn my brain off. These past few days have been pretty tough. As write, I contemplate on where I am at. I arrived home last Friday. Saturday, my niece came over and we had a good bonding session. Sunday I went to visit Jerald at the hospital he is staying at. His cousin was so cool and asked if I wanted to tag along with the family. Seeing him was so great. It took him a good five seconds to recognize me, but when he did, he wanted me to stay holding his hand. I missed him so much. He was connected to so many wires. He looked like he had lost a few pounds. He was going in and out and was in so much pain. Still, seeing him and being there was what I needed. We drove back home the same day. Monday I just relaxed and went out to dinner to catch up on life with one of my best friends, Lupita. Tuesday I went over to my brother’s place to hang out with him and my niece. Wednesday I went back to Seattle to visit Jerry. It was a bit harder this time around. Jerald was in so much pain. He did not recognize me till after a while. It was really hard to see him in so much pain. I felt like when I finally did have him, I had to leave.
We spoke for a bit. He told me that he is in so much pain. It is so hard to watch him be in pain, much harder hearing him state the fact that he is in pain. He told me that the tumor has spread within his spinal fluids all the way down his back. After that, there isn’t much more, he said. All I could say was, Jesus has the final say. I didn’t want to leave, he asked me to stay. I just wanted to stay there.
Lately I have been struggling within myself. My prayer has always been for the Lord to have his way, and in my heart it has always been for him to let his will be done. I know God is a good God, and that we must not question his works, for they are marvelous, as his ways. I just feel like spiritually, I am being pushed, to not only have faith, but have hope. Is God not a God of healing? I am so disappointed in myself, for not praying as much for healing. I know that God is a God of healing. Why have I not prayed more for healing? I must trust that God is who he says he is.
So here I am, grasping onto every inch of hope. Knowing that God looks at my heart, and knowing that he is a good God.
1 I will exalt you, Lord,
for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
2 Lord my God, I called to you for help,
and you healed me.
3 You, Lord, brought me up from the realm of the dead;
you spared me from going down to the pit.
4 Sing the praises of the Lord, you his faithful people;
praise his holy name.
5 For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.
6 When I felt secure, I said,
“I will never be shaken.”
7 Lord, when you favored me,
you made my royal mountain[c] stand firm;
but when you hid your face,
I was dismayed.
8 To you, Lord, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:
9 “What is gained if I am silenced,
if I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
10 Hear, Lord, and be merciful to me;
Lord, be my help.”
11 You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
12 that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.
Lord my God, I will praise you forever.
Jerald Update: He might go home next week if he continues improving and if his pain diminishes. Please pray for healing over his body, and for the physical pain to go away. He is such a strong fighter, and by the grace of God, he is alive and well. Thank you for your prayers.