Beautifully Broken, At Church.

Jesus-loves-me

I do not know about you, but every time I think about how Jesus died for me…and how good he is… my heart can not take it. I tear up. I am at a loss for words. Someone who I go in and out of knowing…. Loves me. DIED for me. Gave me all of him. Intercedes for me… How..? So awesome to serve someone that gave you everything.

So there are days, that I may be crying happy tears (because I am loved), joyful tears (because I am saved), proud tears (because he rose again), sad tears (because Jesus, whom I love, gave up his beautifully lived life just for me)…. beautifully broken tears. This can occur in my home, at my church, my car, anywhere.

The other day I was having a conversation with someone and they said they get embarrassed crying in front of people….especially when no one else is crying. Especially when they does not want to be approached. As a person who struggles and usually refuses to deal with crying, I said “Why in the world not?!” Church is exactly the place for that! You are in God’s house. You are home. Unfortunately, a lot of people are weird about not crying in front of people…and to them I say.. There is POWER in vulnerability, There is BEAUTY in BREAKTHROUGH. ..and if we are too proud to be transparent and as honest as Jesus was… then what are we doing…? Who are we kidding…? I understand, some quiet, prayer closet times are meant to be private between you and God..but I am going somewhere with this.

Sometimes we go throughout our day after having our devotionals are not done fully.. We do not deal with everything. Sometimes we are just focused on telling God how great and how good he is. Although that is great.. we serve a God such a perfect and selfless God, that cares about you, intercedes for you, and constantly wants you to check in with where you are at. Sometimes it does not hit you until you are at church… that:… “God I need you.. God, I am desperate for you..God, I am lost without you…God, I do not understand your goodness.” and that is okay. You can get hit, especially when you feel God’s presence during worship and the word. Matthew 18:20 talks about supernatural things happening when there are two or more gathered. God showing a manifestation of his presence, and where he is, you cannot hide from a breakthroughColossians 1:24 states: “Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I do my share on behalf of His body, which is the church, in filling up what is lacking in Christ’s afflictions.” So feel safe! Feel at home, and be a walking testimony of beautiful brokenness.

 Romans 8:34 
Parallel Verses
New International Version
Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died–more than that, who was raised to life–is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.

 

Car Values, and such

  
Yesterday I realized something, as I was scraping off ice off of my dad’s car, that if I were to scratch it, my dad would freak out. The value of the car would decrease. I realized that’s how we see the world. Every time we mess up and every time a relationship is flawed, the value of it decreases. That’s how we see it. Every time we hear about someone messing up, in our mind, they have devalued themselves, therefore they are less valuable. But God.. God doesn’t see us like that. 

I grew up purchasing used cars with my dad, because I could not afford a new car. When we would buy, by private owner, my dad would turn into a whole different person. He would be extra assertive and and alert. He would deny any cars that have been in accidents, and would even comment on any scratch the car would have, knowing the owner would lower the price. Owners would lower prices whether they wanted or not, negotiating an even lowered value of the car. But even when you were as assertive and alert as possible, you can still get the wrong end of deal. My first car was bought fast, because I had been pressuring my dad, and it turned out the car had been in an accident and needed a new transmission. I never drove it out of town. The owner rebuilt the exterior, but what really needed to be fixed was the interior. 

Many of us can Identify with my car situation. We focus so much on putting on an aesthetically pleasing front that does not match our unhealthy, used and abused, messed up interior. So why do we beat ourselves up?? Why don’t we change? Why do we continue the cycle of wallowing in guilt, in shame, and in self pity?? Why? Because we grow up knowing that when something is flawed, it loses it’s value forever. A Car can be made new with new parts, but the owner will always know, and that’s an indicator…the car needed different parts, thus changing it’s value to being renewed to a beautiful aesthetically pleasing, yet, still damaged car. 
You might have gotten in a few accidents, maybe a few small ones, maybe a huge one that kept you from functioning properly.. But I am here to tell you that God is bigger than what we know and what we were raised knowing. His value is instilled in you, not by what you have done, but who you are. You are his, and you are loved. That’s how it is, and how it always will be. God can make you completely new. There is no need to keep beating yourself up and returning to mess. Isaiah 1:18 says: “Come now, let us settle the matter,” says the LORD. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.” God TRANSFORMS you he transforms you from being red as crimson to being white as snow. He TRANSFORMS you to flawless wool. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says: Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. Ezequiel 1:19 says: And I will give them one heart, and a new spirit I will put within them. I will remove the heart of stone from their flesh and give them a heart of flesh,

God can change you like he changed me. He can make you new. Free from guilt and shame and fear. He conquered hell. He can conquer limitations our minds place on him. Today I encourage you to place trust in Gods definition of our value and not the worlds, and walk in faith, victory, and renewal. 

More verses on renewal :http://www.openbible.info/topics/new_creation_in_christ 


 

A new beginning (Warning:longer post)

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It is almost 3 months later and there are no words to really explain just how much Jerry is missed. We did the whole long distance relationship thing so at around this time of not seeing each other, one of us would just drop everything they are doing because both of us were desperate at this point, to see each other.

I am beyond proud of his family. They are doing okay, and that’s okay. They will never know just how much they inspire me. They each are so strong in their own way and just motivate me to be happy. I look forward to visiting his grave soon with them. His grave has yet to be labeled but I look forward to seeing whatever they choose. I’m sure he’d love it. I’m gonna need their strength this month. The month of July will be extremely difficult for me because our first date was on the 4th, our second date where I finally caved after months of talking and told him I liked him was on my 18th Birthday on the 23rd, and our anniversary was the 29th. (2011)

After his death, I returned to the university I attend in high hopes of going back strong and finishing, that’s what Jerald and my family and his would have wanted so I went back. I returned to Washington State University around dead week and at this point, there was no way I could recover due to me already being a third year and declared major. I needed higher grades to get credit. After meeting with my department Advisor, I decided to withdraw from the semester. Grief hit hard that week. Everything took three times the strength to do, wash my hair, eat, get out of bed, go to class. My advisor urged me to the counseling services for the third time. Even though counseling isn’t for me, it helped. The fact that I withdrew the last week of curriculum was so disappointing to me. This is something I still struggle with to this day. When I told my mom, she said that it was okay. Everyone thinks I’m crazy for being disappointed, but I feel like I let Jerry, his family, my family down.

I am back at home, it’s horrible. Everything reminds me of Jerry. Initially, I was going to just stay in Pullman, or get an internship and leave for a change of scenery. Pullman reminds me of Jerry also..It wasn’t until I was on the phone with my sister. I was telling her that I wasn’t going back and instead of saying what everyone else said she was blunt and said that if Jerry’s family went back to their lives and faced everything, than I can too. I decided that life goes on. I was not going to run away from home or my family and friends, and the place where I grew up and fell in love. I decided that I wanted to face my fears. Pain is pain. I wanted to grow. I decided to go back to the old job we worked at together when we first started dating for closure. I am back at the packing shed , it’s a different plant but connected to the old plant we worked in. Once we had to work in that very area and had l had lunch at our old place. I went outside and sat on the grass we sat on, and under the tree we’d sit in. I showed Sarah where we sat and ate and laughed. I tried not to tear up. I’m proud of myself for keeping it cool. Being back is difficult. I tear up at work very often and hope no one sees. My supervisor gave me a side hug and asked how I’m doing. I’m assuming it was due to Jerald because she worked with him.

I am so scared. I miss him. I am so scared that I’m forgetting his scent, the feel of his hands wrapped around mine. I still remember how it made me feel, but I don’t remember how he smells. Three years ago I was so happy and hopeful. Although I wish I could go back and warn myself, I wouldn’t, because I lived and I experienced, and that’s what life is about. I’m proud of myself. I can’t do certain things without crying. I can’t sing or listen to ‘To Make you Feel My Love’ by Adele, I can’t go back and open my old laptop that has all our stuff, there’s a lot.

Grief has a way with messing with your head. You have stages and every emotion you could think of. My brain is in the process of understanding, but my deceiving heart that is in so much pain copes by making my reality a dream as a way of coping. I still am in the process of acknowledging that my world, my boyfriend is gone and not coming back. I need to process that just like Jerry’s mom would tell him when she would smother him with love and call him a gift from God, he was… he was a gift from God. I’ve never met anyone or have heard of anyone like him. He changed my life. Jerry changed me. I was arrogant, prideful, and thought I had my whole life together and didn’t need anyone. He blindsided me and showed me how beautiful love is when two people love and respect each other through whatever. Even though he’s gone, I refuse to be bitter. I know God loves me. God gives and he takes away, my heart will still say blessed is name. God doesn’t hate me. He gave me such a wonderful person who loved me so much. There are times where I feel like I just have so much pain, and then I am comforted by what feels like wind. I feel such an overwhelming love, like God allows me to feel his love for me, and Jerry’s love for me.

I am not sure where I want to be or what I want out of life, but I know who I am. I know that I want happiness, love, and joy. As far as where I’ll go I’ll just take it one step at a time, and allow my steps to be ordered. The latter shall be greater. Jerry was a season in my life, the best season in my life. I have to trust that God has something better for me, because he wouldn’t take and not bless me with something better. I know that sounds like I’m implying that it means replacing Jerry, but that’s not it. I mean that I will grow from this season. People have asked me about moving on which is ridiculous, but to answer..I don’t see myself with anyone but Jerald, because that’s my boyfriend…but I am in the process of writing Jerry a goodbye book, and I acknowledge that people will say that Jerald would want me to be happy, which is true…but if stuff would have gotten a tad bit better, Jerald would have spoken to my parents this summer about asking for my hand in marriage. I have been talking to Jerry for almost four years now.. so it wouldn’t be a shocker to them. I would have been engaged this summer. I am really not picturing a future with anyone else. Most people think we only dated for only about two years, which is half the time. Maybe I’ll post our love story.

A song from Jerry’s favorite band when he was in 5th grade has been stuck in my head for the past month. I can finally listen to it and sing along without crying every time. He’s so much more happier now. He is in no pain. I am so happy that he’s finally happy.

Yanira Update: Please pray for me as I embark on this new journey and carry Jerry’s heart with me wherever I go. I rest in the comfort that I will see him again one day. I’m healthy, I’m alive, I’m loved, and this is only the beginning. Thank you so much for your prayers and covering over me.

Jerald Edson Isenhart;

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03/28/94-04/03/14

Last Thursday, April 3, 2014, at 4:10pm. Jerald passed away. There will be a memorial service on his behalf this Saturday April 12, 2014 at 11am. Viewing is Friday night 2-7pm.

I was fortunate enough to be there. So much going on in my head. This is all too surreal, and when I come out of it and face reality, it’s so difficult to deal with.

Jerald Update: He is no longer in pain and dancin’ with Jesus. Please pray over all those who mourn the loss of this wonderful person.

Matthew 5:4

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”

My New Family

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I’ve been back home since Sunday. I’ll be here for the week. This week has been beyond difficult, but by grace, it’s do-able. Jerry’s situation is not good. He lacks so much rest and is now being regulated for that. For the moment, no visitors are being allowed on account of his need for rest. Yesterday hit hard. We heard really difficult news from the staff at the Hospital. Nothing is certain, the odds are a lot harder to deal with. Everyone is slowly coming to terms with our current situation. Jerald is such a fighter. I had a few good talks with him. The more painful ones were when he actually recognized me. He recognized me on Sunday night when I arrived. I said “Hi babe, it’s me, Yanira.” He said “I can hear you, I can’t see you. It’s really you? Maybe tomorrow I’ll see you.” He kept blowing kisses. Most of the time he doesn’t recognize me and says that my voice is to manly to be his girlfriends. It’s actually quite funny. Most of the time he doesn’t let me hold his hand because I’m not his girlfriend Yanira. Ha-ha. Jerald has caused me to wonder about the spiritual realm few times. He introduced me to his friend on one occasion. He told his friend that I am a third year at Washington State University, and other few facts about me. He asked his friend to take care of me. Although I could not see his friend, in the moment I just felt such a weight lifted from my shoulders, and such an unexplainable peace.

The outcome is so uncertain. . . lots of pain. . . My heart is so heavy for Jerald’s family. They are so, so strong. They manage to stay strong and not let Jerry see them cry. They have been a strong rock for me and have helped keep me and have embraced me as their own. Jerald would be so happy and is in such good hands. He is such an important asset to their family, and even though a lot is at stake, they never break, ever. They inspire me to keep being positive, and happy. I have been dating Jerry for about 2 years and 9 months. I have always just considered myself the girlfriend, because I was sure that as soon we’d get married, I would have a family, I was in no rush. Oddly enough, when I was being told news on Jerry, and I burst out in sadness, it was there where I was embraced by Jerald’s dad, Jerry, and welcomed into the family. It really sucks watching a family suffer over someone so special and distinct to them. I cannot stress how much prayer is needed for their hearts.

 

Story: I rode with his brother Willy and a couple other people back to Jerry’s house to go eat yesterday. I hadn’t been there since he was healthy. I told Willy that I thought that if I went to his house I would cry. I ate there, I went into Jerald’s room, and nothing. Then we were ready to go and walked out onto the parking lot and I saw that darn Volkswagen bug, where he taught me how to drive manual. Then came the tears.

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Jerald update: His ability to drink has gotten a bit better. His sight has worsened, but his hearing is as good a ever. He’s just as sweet as he has always been, just a bit more sassy. 🙂 I ask for prayers over everyone who is hurting over Jerry’s situation. Please pray that God be our joy and our peace in the midst of this terrible storm. I just.. genuinely appreciate every single individual that has taken time from their busy lives just to love on us and give a prayer. The prayers have helped bless me and keep me. Thank you so much.