I got diagnosed with Arithromania OCD a while back. I grew up knowing something felt off. I’ve always had ticks & anxious patterns, but I never accepted that part of myself. COVID shut down made health a priority & I started therapy to unpack. I made some amazing breakthroughs. The irony is.. my love of numbers and categorization was the very reason I hated Algebra & it’s placements. I’d scoff. I grew up thinking I lacked, I grew up so frustrated at myself. Thoughts isolated in shame..trying my best to hide how I had to repeat a word until it felt perfect…perfect. How I can’t physically clean unless I count the items…trying my best to relax. Just relax. Staying up super late wrestling with self loathing caused by a caught intrusive thought. Not being able to sleep because I tried to not do a ritual like use the restroom three times, at the end of the day. I grew up in a culture that glorified praying it all away. I learned I never felt fully accepted by anyone because I didn’t accept myself. My actions reflected incomprehension for so long.. how could I even be loved by anyone fully..? if I could not accept myself-at that.
& to the believers wondering… I still believe I am being pursued and infinitely loved by the force who knew me and created me still.