-My Diagnosis- a spoken word

I got diagnosed with Arithmomania OCD a while back. 

I grew up knowing something felt off. 

I’ve always had ticks & anxious pa-tterns, but I never accepted that part of myself.

Why was that?

COVID shut down made health a priority & I started therapy to unpack. 

The irony is…anguist yet peace of numbers.., repetition, and categorization was the very reason I hated Algebra & its placements. I’d scoff. I grew up thinking I lacked. 

I grew up so frustrated at myself. Thoughts isolated in shame…trying my best to hide how I had to repeat a word or phrase until it felt perfect…perfect.

How I couldn’t physically clean let alone move unless I counted items…trying my best to relax. Just relax! 

Staying up massively late wrestling with self-loathing caused by a caught intrusive thought, telling myself to get up and do a ritual just to be good enOugh, just to feel safe enOugh, just to feel accepted, enOugh. Alright, that’s enough.

Not being able to focus on what is said to me that DAY because I wanna remember how they felt over what they would sAy. Frustrating my friends because I asked a question three times because even though they don’t think I listen, I want to make sure they KNOW how much my mind does not mind. Because I asked three times instead of nine, three times, three times with eye contact.

obsessing over every detail I can remember of loved one’s stories, just for them not to remember, thinking they don’t care enough about me within their memorY or worse, view me as some fabler with no emotional tie to their story who needed to add her portrayal for future validity and her case backed. Who needed an exploited narration to make an amusing tale for a funny punchline or any wisecrack.

So.. wack. 

Anxiety makes you bury yourself in your lap. 

I grew up in a culture that glorified invocating it all away. How beautiful it is to chant and pray something away… just enough times, and maybe perhaps… Perhaps peer acceptance I’d achieve. What is wrong with me? how am I being perceived? 

Perhaps I could rid of this inner critic, maybe believe in my own transformation. Shout out Romans 12:2 and not Saul’s but Paul’s- (not King Saul’s, I mean, both Saul had mania-induced murderous obsessive infatuations). Shout out Paul’s, not Saul’s transformative impact…  

There will probably be only two people that got biblical reference names word playback.

The irony of not believing in my own expectations.

Maybe this time this (3x) prayer will be its final attack.

I lost myself within my own rejection. I never felt fully accepted by anyone because I didn’t accept myself. Wait-run that back. 

I lost myself within my own rejection. I never felt fully accepted by anyone because I didn’t accept myself.

talk about unpack

My actions reflected doubt for so long. How could I even fully receive love from anyONE.? if I could not love and accept myself-at that.

…till now.

I give up assimilation, I give up my own expectations. I give up pleasing my neighbor just to appear as if my life’s intact. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is something I will face and when I see her face she’d idle fear in place and then only then I realize…I realize anxietY is just as scared as me, but unlike me, it is a brittle parasite who needs mE and me onlY. Yet I lean on trust in my own gifts and promise to know how this plays on. and know if I embrace all of me and see me and OCD standing separately…I know when I quit fighting and trying on my own. (like David’s promises knew what Saul’s fears did not know all along) the battle has been wOn.

Look I have OCD, and I’m sorry in advance to my churchy mother, see. As she would want me to walk in liberty but I can’t help but smile and be, I embrace OCD is a part of me, she’s merely a voice seeking peace, so I’ll just be, I now I see how she.., wanting to project and distract, and flee, does not foresee.. I made peace with Arithmomania. I called her by name. I hear her woes, feel her pain yet I explain, the depths of my sound mind, an unexplainable feeling of free,. an unequivocal peace shall be my testimony.

& to the believers wondering… I still believe I have OCD, and I am being pursued indefinitely and infinitely loved by the force who knew who I’d be, loved she, and created ME. STILL, in that exact order, in fact.

But I Trust in Your Unfailing Love

Psalms Chapter 13 has been on repeat this whole week. No matter what Psalm I read, I always read Chapter 13 this week. You go through days or moments when you are thinking.. “How long must I go through this, Lord? How long till you answer my prayer?? When will you change my heart and change my mind, when it comes to certain things??” Have you ever just said… “HELP ME.” or maybe “FIX ME.”..? So many times we seek answers now, and are in such desperation…where we are oh so desperate for God. Times where we feel as if we are failing, and losing. Sometimes it feels as if the enemy is winning his battle with our mind. Psalms 13 deals with all of the following feelings..

…And when it seems as if all victory is lost… Psalms 13:5 states: “But I trust in your unfailing love, my heart rejoices in your salvation”. It is okay to have feelings of uncertainty and brokenness..but it is important to remember that we have the blessedness of unfailing love. Unfailing love moves us to do anything for someone’s well being, and we have the opportunity to be loved by unfailing love. This is a call to rejoice. This is a celebration of salvation. Verse six states: “I will sing the Lords praise, for he has been good to me.”

Nothing too big to speak on today. Just a reminder if you are desperately waiting on God when it comes to anything, you wait on someone who has unfailing love towards you, and is working all things together for our good. Romans 8:28 states it (“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.“) So.. pray and praise through the pain. You are in the best hands you can be in. Although uncertainty deals with our emotions, we certainly serve an unfailing God. Rest in unfailing love.

Psalm 13
1 How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
    How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
    How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3 Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
    Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
    and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
    my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the Lord’s praise,
    for he has been good to me.

Beautifully Broken, At Church.

I do not know about you, but every time I think about how Jesus died for me…and how good he is… my heart can not take it. I tear up. I am at a loss for words. Someone who I go in and out of knowing…. Loves me. DIED for me. Gave me all of him. Intercedes for me… How..? So awesome to serve someone that gave you everything.

So there are days, that I may be crying happy tears (because I am loved), joyful tears (because I am saved), proud tears (because he rose again), sad tears (because Jesus, whom I love, gave up his beautifully lived life just for me)…. beautifully broken tears. This can occur in my home, at my church, my car, anywhere.

The other day I was having a conversation with someone and they said they get embarrassed crying in front of people….especially when no one else is crying. Especially when they does not want to be approached. As a person who struggles and usually refuses to deal with crying, I said “Why in the world not?!” Church is exactly the place for that! You are in God’s house. You are home. Unfortunately, a lot of people are weird about not crying in front of people…and to them I say.. There is POWER in vulnerability, There is BEAUTY in BREAKTHROUGH. ..and if we are too proud to be transparent and as honest as Jesus was… then what are we doing…? Who are we kidding…? I understand, some quiet, prayer closet times are meant to be private between you and God..but I am going somewhere with this.

Sometimes we go throughout our day after having our devotionals are not done fully.. We do not deal with everything. Sometimes we are just focused on telling God how great and how good he is. Although that is great.. we serve a God such a perfect and selfless God, that cares about you, intercedes for you, and constantly wants you to check in with where you are at. Sometimes it does not hit you until you are at church… that:… “God I need you.. God, I am desperate for you..God, I am lost without you…God, I do not understand your goodness.” and that is okay. You can get hit, especially when you feel God’s presence during worship and the word. Matthew 18:20 talks about supernatural things happening when there are two or more gathered. God showing a manifestation of his presence, and where he is, you cannot hide from a breakthrough. Colossians 1:24 states: “Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I do my share on behalf of His body, which is the church, in filling up what is lacking in Christ’s afflictions.” So feel safe! Feel at home, and be a walking testimony of beautiful brokenness.

Romans 8:34 ►

Parallel Verses New International Version Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died–more than that, who was raised to life–is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.

 

Love is perfect, We are not.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

New International Version (NIV)

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

Everyone who knows a thing or two has read this word and applied it to their personal life. Almost every girl whom knows of this verse, that I have known models this after their next relationship. When we finally get in a relationship..We aim to be patient and kind. We don’t try to envy. We try not to boast and be proud. We seek to honor and be selfless for the person, to not be self seeking. We aim to be patient with emotion, as we aim to not be easily angered. We try to forgive completely and not bring up wrongs. We try to not delight in what is bad, but rejoice in the truth. We aim to protect our loved one and trust, hope, and persevere through the relationship. I mean, why not? These verses are the best representation of a successful relationship that I can find in the bible. Does this not seem like a recipe for a successful relationship? Of course it is. In many occasions… people have said to remove love on the following verses and place your name. (Insert your name here) is patient, (Insert your name here) is kind. (Insert your name here) does not envy, (Insert your name here) does not boast, (Insert your name here) is not proud. 5 (Insert your name here) does not dishonor others, (Insert your name here) is not self-seeking, (Insert your name here) is not easily angered, (Insert your name here) keeps no record of wrongs. 6 (Insert your name here) does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 (Insert your name here) always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

There is only one problem, we are not….. love. We are human. We fail. Sometimes we are not patient. We are not kind. We envy. We are prideful and boast. We dishonor. We can be self-seeking. Sometimes, we anger easily. We fall short, and delight in evil. Sometimes we forget to rejoice in truth. We forget to protect. We forget to trust. We forget to hope, and we grow weary and fall short of perseverance.

But verse 8 says “Love never Fails.” Verse 8 talks about God’s works. It took a while to realize…the only one who never fails is God. God never fails. So…GOD is patient, GOD is kind. GOD does not envy, GOD does not boast, GOD is not proud. 5 GOD does not dishonor others, GOD is not self-seeking,GOD is not easily angered, GOD keeps no record of wrongs. 6 GOD does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 GOD always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. God is perfect. We are not. As much as we would love and aim to be as selfless and as great as he, we are not. We can only strive to be. When relationships strain and suffer, we must remember that we are not perfect, and we fail, but love never fails.

Oh, but do not get me wrong…Modeling a relationship after 1 Corinthians 13;4-8 is wise. Although we are not perfect. We strive to be the best versions of ourselves that we can be. We strive to be more like God. I used to disregard verse 8, now verse 8 to 13 is my favorite part.

1 Corinthians 13:8-13New International Version (NIV)

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Car Values, and such

  
Yesterday I realized something, as I was scraping off ice off of my dad’s car, that if I were to scratch it, my dad would freak out. The value of the car would decrease. I realized that’s how we see the world. Every time we mess up and every time a relationship is flawed, the value of it decreases. That’s how we see it. Every time we hear about someone messing up, in our mind, they have devalued themselves, therefore they are less valuable. But God.. God doesn’t see us like that. 

I grew up purchasing used cars with my dad, because I could not afford a new car. When we would buy, by private owner, my dad would turn into a whole different person. He would be extra assertive and and alert. He would deny any cars that have been in accidents, and would even comment on any scratch the car would have, knowing the owner would lower the price. Owners would lower prices whether they wanted or not, negotiating an even lowered value of the car. But even when you were as assertive and alert as possible, you can still get the wrong end of deal. My first car was bought fast, because I had been pressuring my dad, and it turned out the car had been in an accident and needed a new transmission. I never drove it out of town. The owner rebuilt the exterior, but what really needed to be fixed was the interior. 

Many of us can Identify with my car situation. We focus so much on putting on an aesthetically pleasing front that does not match our unhealthy, used and abused, messed up interior. So why do we beat ourselves up?? Why don’t we change? Why do we continue the cycle of wallowing in guilt, in shame, and in self pity?? Why? Because we grow up knowing that when something is flawed, it loses it’s value forever. A Car can be made new with new parts, but the owner will always know, and that’s an indicator…the car needed different parts, thus changing it’s value to being renewed to a beautiful aesthetically pleasing, yet, still damaged car. 
You might have gotten in a few accidents, maybe a few small ones, maybe a huge one that kept you from functioning properly.. But I am here to tell you that God is bigger than what we know and what we were raised knowing. His value is instilled in you, not by what you have done, but who you are. You are his, and you are loved. That’s how it is, and how it always will be. God can make you completely new. There is no need to keep beating yourself up and returning to mess. Isaiah 1:18 says: “Come now, let us settle the matter,” says the LORD. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.” God TRANSFORMS you he transforms you from being red as crimson to being white as snow. He TRANSFORMS you to flawless wool. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says: Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. Ezequiel 1:19 says: And I will give them one heart, and a new spirit I will put within them. I will remove the heart of stone from their flesh and give them a heart of flesh,

God can change you like he changed me. He can make you new. Free from guilt and shame and fear. He conquered hell. He can conquer limitations our minds place on him. Today I encourage you to place trust in Gods definition of our value and not the worlds, and walk in faith, victory, and renewal. 

More verses on renewal :http://www.openbible.info/topics/new_creation_in_christ 

 

Finding Solace in Solitude through Him

Most people find this contradictory, but it can be so important. Is it extremely essential for someone to be able to really find solace in solitude..? Maybe it is some introversion within me that finds it almost essential to draw back every few days and just take a few minutes to myself, but there is something powerful in finding comfort while you are alone.

In my college church leadership program’s summer reading list and homework, the question of “Are you Lonely?” popped up a few times. What is loneliness? Google it and the first response is “sadness because one has no friends or company.” The second is “(of a place) the quality of being unfrequented and remote; isolation.” And so we automatically think that being lonely is being with no friends or company and isolated from a particular group. In our JCD leadership program, we learned about isolation and feeling alone. We learned that being lonely is the state of feeling alone, and the state can be felt and is not limited to any situation. Robin Williams said it very eloquently when he said “I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.” He passed away from suicide caused by depression, and I believe with all of me that he felt extremely alone. Digging deep into what loneliness is, I learned that it is feeling like you are alone, even if it is in the most crowded room. The introvert in me can identify one hundred percent, because I can feel just as companioned, if not more whole, by myself, as opposed to a room full of people with nothing happening.

Lately, I have been challenged in not putting things before God, whether it is hobbies, items, or even the people that mean the most to me. Being whole to me, is having him be first. This is where I find peace, serenity, and wholesome solace. Knowing that I am not fully alone gives me peace, and so much joy.

Finding Solace in Solitude, Huh? This is about drawing back and spending time with God to really re-charge and feel whole once more, through whatever situation and in whatever stage of life I may be in. My encouragement today is to not focus as much on relationships that involve leaning in to feel whole and full. Whether you feel lonely because you are without a significant other, or feel lonely even in your relationship, know that you are never alone, and do not have to feel like this.  In John 14:15-31, Jesus leaves, but he does not leave us completely. He gives us his Holy Spirit to always be with us. We are never alone. We can only be made whole through Jesus. Colossians 2:9-10 promises genuine fullness: “For in him the whole fullness of deity dwells bodily”

John 14:15-31 New International Version (NIV)

Jesus Promises the Holy Spirit

¹⁵ “If you love me, keep my commands. ¹⁶ And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever— ¹⁷ the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be^[a] in you. ¹⁸ I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.¹⁹ Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. ²⁰ On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. ²¹ Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me. The one who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love them and show myself to them.”

²² Then Judas (not Judas Iscariot) said, “But, Lord, why do you intend to show yourself to us and not to the world?”

²³ Jesus replied, “Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them. ²⁴ Anyone who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me.

²⁵ “All this I have spoken while still with you. ²⁶ But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. ²⁷ Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

²⁸ “You heard me say, ‘I am going away and I am coming back to you.’ If you loved me, you would be glad that I am going to the Father, for the Father is greater than I. ²⁹ I have told you now before it happens, so that when it does happen you will believe. ³⁰ I will not say much more to you, for the prince of this world is coming. He has no hold over me,³¹ but he comes so that the world may learn that I love the Father and do exactly what my Father has commanded me.

“Come now; let us leave.

You have one life on Earth to life.

Make the best of it. Laugh when you can. Cry when you should. Love always. Love those who love you, love those who hurt you. (Matthew 5:44) Don’t let life distract you from what is important. Be bold. Be better. Rally for what you love. & Never-ever-EVER! give up.

I’M GOING TO ECUADOR!

I’M SO EXCITED!!!!

This week will be very busy. It’s finals week. I also have to prepare to head to Ecuador this Saturday. I am so excited. This is my first missions trip and I have to much anticipation for what is in store. Finances are an issue, since I m supposed to raise about $2,200, and am about 1/10 there, but I am trusting in Gods timing and know that because I waited on God’s timing for a missions trip, he will prepare and provide. We will be in Ecuador, doing some workshops for some pastors and will later travel up to the mountains and help build a greenhouse for a small village that is in great need of help. I am so ready to serve and learn. I will be translating, since I am fluent in Spanish and English. We will be going to an indigenous village where the children are fluent in Spanish and their native language, when their parents do not speak much Spanish and only their native language.  My prayer is for God to do something great in our team.

Please join me in prayer. I am asking for your support of my trip, whether it be financial contribution or through prayer. No contribution is too small. This mission’s trip is hosted by Living Faith Fellowship church in Pullman WA, you can send your donations on line.

I also have a GOFUND ME!

http://www.gofundme.com/YaniraforEcuador

Church Mission Info:

http://livingfaithfellowship.com/ecuador/

GOD IS NOT DONE WITH YOU, SO RUN!

I have not been here in a while, but I just wanted to share a short post. I just want to encourage anyone who is reading this. I have just been contemplating on life and on how so difficult so many moments can be. Life can bombard you with work, stress, and exhaustion. I have reached an understanding where I am able to fully comprehend that it does not matter who you are, how you grew up, and where you are…you still go through LIFE. Life can exhaust you physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Contemplating on that..I rested in my favorite verse, Isaiah 40:28-31((NIV)²⁸ Do you not know?    Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.²⁹ He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.³⁰ Even youth grow tired and weary,and young men stumble and fall;³¹ but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles they will run and not grow weary they will walk and not be faint.”Don’t give up! You have a God that is on your side. Whatever life is throwing at you, know that you have a God that knows you can make it through and is on your side, ready to fight with you and run with you. So in this journey that you have, don’t just walk it, RUN IT! You are more than a conqueror in Jesus. Romans 8:37 States it! Here is some encouragement for your Saturday afternoon. Cast all the worries and burdens that life brings unto God. Become weightless from your issues so you can run through this race we call life. Our goal here on Earth is to make the most of the life we are given, but we must not become distracted by life and remember that we are running towards something greater, and that is everlasting life.

1 Corinthians 9:24-27-The Need for Self-Discipline

²⁴ Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. ²⁵ Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. ²⁶ 

Stress and Anxiety

It’s about that time in a student’s life, where everything just seems to be falling apart. I feel so overwhelmed with life (juggling school, friendships, extra curriculars, and work.) I have two tests this Thursday. . .One group presentation due tomorrow.. One huge presentation due soon.. so much to do. Lately I have been feeling like I have been failing in every area. All that I can do is just give those problems to God. He’s my peace. So here is my prayer. “Lord, I give you my life. I ask that you give me a peace that surpasses all understanding. I surrender my will, and I say yes to everything you throw my way.”